What to Expect When You Adopt a Teenager

I am going to be a completely real with you today.

I am going to talk about the reality (at least mine) of teenage adoption.

If you read my blog, you know that we have seven kids. Three are ours biologically, three came to us through adoption and one is a bit of a bonus kid who kind of adopted us.

When you adopt a teen, you are adopting a child who has an entire other life time full of experiences that you were not a part of. They had an entire other family that wasn’t you. You are signing on to parent a kid who was not shaped by you into the person they are today.

So, what can you expect when you adopt a teenager??

Here are a few truths that I think are pretty universal!

There will be a honeymoon period. Everyone always talks about this honeymoon period. This little block of time when the kids are on their best behavior, and then…boom! Reality hits.

Well, I am going to alter that just a bit. Although sometimes the honeymoon period is about behavior, sometimes it’s more about the teen feeling relaxed enough to start being themselves around you.

We have had both scenarios. I have had the kid who decided that things were too good to be true and he was going to act like a total butt because if things were going to go south, he’d prefer now as opposed to later.

We also have the kid who literally three years later has never had me really upset with him. He is just a easy going kid by nature. But, he behaved like he thought we wanted him to behave at first. A few months later we saw his true snarky, funny and witty personality come out.

Expect to have moments where you wonder if you were completely insane to have done this. I want to stress this. This is completely normal. I love my boys to the moon and back, and there were still some really hard days that I craved my simple, quiet little family of five vs the loud, craziness of having nine in the house. Sometimes this feeling was due to the strain that lack of finances caused. Sometimes it was because I felt pulled in too many directions at once. Sometimes it was because I felt like I sucked at this whole being a mom to all these kids thing. But, the moment passed, and we moved on and got on with life. Which leads to the next one…

Expect to feel completely inadequate for this task. When you adopt teens, they have an entire life that you were not a part of. It is not like having your own babies and raising them and guiding them their whole life. The learning curve is huge. You are trying to figure them out. They are trying to figure you out. A lot of the time everyone is completely off base about what they think they have figured out!

When you have your own babies, you have a period where all they do is eat, sleep, poop, pee and cry. They don’t talk back. They don’t challenge your boundaries. They don’t act moody and depressed and make you feel like you are a horrible parent. You have time to bond with them that helps in these emotional, hormonal teenage years. When you adopt, you are dropped straight into the middle of the most turbulent times in their life!

You will second guess yourself a million times on this journey. There were so many days where I thought that I was the most horrible person for this task. But, you know why I have all these doubts in my head?

Because it matters y’all. These kiddos being happy and successful and confident means the world to me. If it didn’t I wouldn’t work so hard at all of this and stress out so much about it. I care about them so much. And when you adopt teens, caring is the most important qualification.

Expect to feel jealousy and a whole lot of other emotions that you did not expect to feel. I am going to put this one out there because when it happened to me, I really didn’t expect it. It surprised the crap out of me that I was feeling this way. But, I was.

Jealousy. I was jealous of their biological family having experiences with them that I would never have. I was jealous that these kids I loved so much had a whole other family that they loved in a way they could never love me.

And, then I felt ashamed for feeling that way.

You also want to spend time with them at a point in their lives where spending time with you is not always a priority. They have friends and girlfriends and jobs. But in the back of your head, you tend to be thinking about all the years you didn’t have with them, and there are only a few left until they have their own families to be busy with. Then again you are super happy they have friends and jobs and girlfriends and all that normal stuff!! Talk about conflicting emotions!!

Unfortunately, you can’t always control your feelings, but you can control how you respond to them. I spent a lot of time thinking about what was best for my boys. What would result in them being the best they could be both now and in the future? I think things are in a pretty good place as far as all of that goes for now. But, sometimes it really isn’t easy. Adopting sometimes takes control away from you in ways that you aren’t prepared for.

Speaking of control…

Expect to accept that you can’t control certain things. I think this is true for all parents of teens, but I think maybe for people who adopt teens, it hits home in a different way. Some of my teens are great at talking about things and including me in their thought process. And some are not.

One of my kids in particular was very much used to making the decisions about things in his life. I know as kids get to be of a certain legal age, they have choices they are able to make. Adopted or not, sometimes parents are completely blindsided by those choices.

That said, I do have an adopted kiddo who is very much about being his own person. He craves independence. And having had a life that he had very little control over for quite a few years, he never fails to surprise me by some of his decisions. Often, I mean very literally surprise me. Like out of thin air pop out with a choice he has made that I never saw coming.

And, you know what? Regardless of whether or not I think it’s a good choice or bad, it’s not my choice. It is his. And I have to deal.

Again, I know this isn’t an adopted thing, but when you have less time and influence with a kid, it’s different. I think one reason is that these choices are not what you might have had in mind when you set forth on this great adventure. I wanted to make their path smoother, not harder. But sometimes, they want something else.

So, just like the not being in control of your emotions, you get over yourself and do the best you can by being supportive. And sometimes that turns into picking up the pieces when things don’t work out.

Expect to be tired. Mentally tired. It’s a whole different kind of tired from babies and toddlers, but it’s still tired. You have to out-think these kiddos. Or, at least make them think that you have! And, if you don’t have teens already, you get to kick things straight into high gear when you adopt one! We don’t want to discuss some of the things my kids have done! Well, maybe we do, but not in this post!

Expect to feel super proud, and really isolated all at the same time. Your teen is going to make you so proud that you are hardly going to be able to contain yourself! But, you have to! And that is hard!

Don’t get me wrong, I am super proud of every little thing that my biological kids do as well, but we are kind of past me wanting to blast every accomplishment on Facebook for the entire world to know. I did that when they were too little to care. They care now. They do not want mom to tell everyone their business. And neither do my adopted kids. The issue is, I have only been their mom for a little bit. This is all still new to me, and I want everyone to know how amazing I think my kids are. My friends already know how awesome my bio kids are! They have heave about them for over a decade! I want my friends to think my adopted kids are amazing too. I want them to get to know these kids as well. But, that’s not cool to tell all about that.

So, I sit and keep all of this pride all to myself…sigh. To make matters worse, I can’t even tell them how awesome I think they are because that’s not cool either.

Expect to be deliberate about becoming a family. I found that I have to make an effort to arrange time for my kids to spend together and for us to have one on one time. Teens tend to be super busy and slightly egotistical, so this was a must. It’s not enough for me to know that my kids are a part of the family now. I want them to still know and feel like they have a family with us once they are out on their own. It sometimes takes a lot of time and effort for me to come up with activities that seem to be spur of the moment things to engage everyone. I have also purchased quite a few Sonic drinks and McDonald’s sandwiches in order to grab a few minutes alone with a kiddo.

Unexpected benefits! That is a whole other blog post! Adopting a teen is a wild and crazy experience. It will change you forever, both as a person and as a parent! I can’t even count all the ways that our family has benefited. I am so glad we made the choice we did!

Have you adopted a teen or thought about it? I’d love to hear about your experiences!